Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of internal issues and have been really deep in my thoughts. After Jason's grandmother passed away, I've kind of gone down hill from there. I quit eating healthy and exercising again. Once I found out that my severe depression and anxiety were a contribution to my injury, I fell into an even deeper depression. The physical therapist wants me to work on reducing my anxiety and depression and it's so difficult to do. I feel like it has gotten worse since trying to work on it. I've gotten myself back into the bad habit of just wanting to sit on the couch all day watching t.v and playing on the computer. It's where I feel most comfortable and calm. However, I'm still very bitter and depressed.
I was doing so well with eating healthy and exercising until I started obsessing over the number of the scale and the amount of calories I was consuming. While each meal was suppose to fall between 400-500 calories, I was cutting down to the bare minimum of 150-200 calories per a meal. If the number on the scale didn't decrease daily, I was highly disappointed with myself. I wanted to work out hard 4-6 hours a day, every day until I strained a muscle in my thigh which caused me to be bed bound for a few days because I could barely walk it hurt so bad.
I don't want people to feel bad for me. I just needed to vent. I also wanted you all to know that I'm still here whether I'm in my right mind or not. Anxiety and depression are very real and they both very much suck to deal with.
I feel like my mind is playing tug of war and it causes an onset of migraines. I can't just put on my big girl pants and deal with it like most people can and it sucks. I feel disabled. I want nothing more than to be average. I don't say normal because nothing or no one is really "normal". People think it's all just a big excuse to act like a child and refrain from taking responsibility for myself. People think it's bullshit. I wish I could just snap out of it and lead a normal, everyday life. It's not that simple and really, I don't think people should talk about something that they have never personally dealt with themselves. That's what I think. I've been this way for 23 years of my life. Some days are better than others and I count my blessings when I have those good days.
The other thing that is bothering me is that, I know the implications of being overweight. I know that it encourages cancer, diabetes, breathing issues, heart attack, stroke, etc. I'm surprised at myself that, that isn't enough to kick myself in the ass and force me to care. I don't feel attractive in my own skin. However, I don't want to try to be something or someone that I'm not. I feel like, maybe I'm meant to be this way...that maybe this is who I really am. I struggle so much with trying to be happy and figuring out my true identity. I don't know. Maybe this all sounds stupid.
I don't really know where to start with this comment or how to make it not sound all over the place.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me feel bad that you feel bad. I feel like eating healthy and exercising don't actually help depression. Maybe when you get to a comfortable size, it helps but you have to work to get there. I know that I was EXTREMELY depressed up until I lost about 50 pounds a few years ago. I began to finally feel comfortable with my body and myself and my dad stopped getting on my case about how "fat" I was and how much I ate... but it's not like I don't still have bad days. I'm sure if I lost the 30 or so more pounds that I would like to that I'd still have them.
I think you need to figure out what actually makes you happy. Try different things. I think blogging is a helpful. Did venting make you feel at least a little better because I think it always helps me. Even if I just post a tweet on twitter or something I just need to get off my chest, that can help.
DON'T cut your calories back harshly or workout way too much. PLEASE! Again, I'm not the queen of weight loss but you need to do it slowly. Counting calories is okay but a good range to start with is 1600-1800. 1200 is too low for anyone. It's just going to make you want to binge eat later on... During the time I lost the most of my weight, I was eating 1400 a day but eventually I went back to normal and gained about 20 pounds back pretty quickly. I've finally made a plan for myself that I know I can stick with even after I lose all the weight I would like to.
You aren't meant to live in a way that makes you unhappy! And you can make changes to feel better. Just start slow!
I'm probably not the best with advice but I hope this helped, even a little bit.
*Amanda
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteThank you for that heartfelt comment. It really means a lot. I've dealt with severe anxiety and depression pretty much my entire life. I just hate it when people who have no clue about the illnesses try to pass it off like it's nothing and that I can just "snap out of it". It took 23 years of my life to get this way...it's not going to change over night. I have a VERY tough time dealing with it on my own.
Also, it's not that I want to cut my calories back that much, psychologically, it just happens. I'm either eating too much or not eating enough. I can never just eat right. For my weight and height, it is recommended that I consumer 1,440 calories. Truth is, nothing really makes me happy. I'm never satisfied with anything and it's so stressful.
I think you can be happy but you're right... you can't change overnight. I think I mentioned that I'm not always happy about everything and super enthusiastic. I still have bad days... but in recent years, they're never as bad as they were when I was younger.
DeleteI've never talked about the fact that I cut myself when I was a teenager to anyone, really. A teacher found out and I was forced to talk to our school psychologist. It was one meeting and when all of my friends asked me where I was going, I lied. Overall, I was a "cutter" (I hate saying that) for 3 or 4 years of my life. I'm not even sure I completely understand why I did it but I know at the time it seemed like it made me feel better. This is probably the first time I'm mentioning it since. I've obviously thought about that time in my life but I'm definitely in a place now that I would never do that again.
I'm telling you this because I want you to know that I know how you feel. I honestly never thought I could be truly happy. But I was wrong... and so are you!
Again, no weight loss expert but I would cut your calories back slower than that. Start with eating like 1800 a day for awhile and then lower it buy 50 to 100 calories every few weeks of a month. It'll be easier to get the hang of eating the right things and the right amount and not feeling like you're starving yourself. I've gotten back into a healthier routine lately but haven't really been working out. That's step 2. Sometimes it's better (at least for me) to focus on one thing at a time. If you do need someone to help motivate you a bit, you can always email me. Talking to people about losing weight definitely helps me out as well. ammihaly@gmail.com