Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of internal issues and have been really deep in my thoughts. After Jason's grandmother passed away, I've kind of gone down hill from there. I quit eating healthy and exercising again. Once I found out that my severe depression and anxiety were a contribution to my injury, I fell into an even deeper depression. The physical therapist wants me to work on reducing my anxiety and depression and it's so difficult to do. I feel like it has gotten worse since trying to work on it. I've gotten myself back into the bad habit of just wanting to sit on the couch all day watching t.v and playing on the computer. It's where I feel most comfortable and calm. However, I'm still very bitter and depressed.
I was doing so well with eating healthy and exercising until I started obsessing over the number of the scale and the amount of calories I was consuming. While each meal was suppose to fall between 400-500 calories, I was cutting down to the bare minimum of 150-200 calories per a meal. If the number on the scale didn't decrease daily, I was highly disappointed with myself. I wanted to work out hard 4-6 hours a day, every day until I strained a muscle in my thigh which caused me to be bed bound for a few days because I could barely walk it hurt so bad.
I don't want people to feel bad for me. I just needed to vent. I also wanted you all to know that I'm still here whether I'm in my right mind or not. Anxiety and depression are very real and they both very much suck to deal with.
I feel like my mind is playing tug of war and it causes an onset of migraines. I can't just put on my big girl pants and deal with it like most people can and it sucks. I feel disabled. I want nothing more than to be average. I don't say normal because nothing or no one is really "normal". People think it's all just a big excuse to act like a child and refrain from taking responsibility for myself. People think it's bullshit. I wish I could just snap out of it and lead a normal, everyday life. It's not that simple and really, I don't think people should talk about something that they have never personally dealt with themselves. That's what I think. I've been this way for 23 years of my life. Some days are better than others and I count my blessings when I have those good days.
The other thing that is bothering me is that, I know the implications of being overweight. I know that it encourages cancer, diabetes, breathing issues, heart attack, stroke, etc. I'm surprised at myself that, that isn't enough to kick myself in the ass and force me to care. I don't feel attractive in my own skin. However, I don't want to try to be something or someone that I'm not. I feel like, maybe I'm meant to be this way...that maybe this is who I really am. I struggle so much with trying to be happy and figuring out my true identity. I don't know. Maybe this all sounds stupid.
